


There's A First Time For Everything

by MilkMustache



Category: Tears for Fears (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bromance, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2020-03-06
Packaged: 2020-04-12 02:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19122619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MilkMustache/pseuds/MilkMustache
Summary: When Curt hears that Roland is seeing a man, he's forced to acknowledge the feelings he's been ignoring for decades.





	1. Just Great

**Author's Note:**

> Post reunion  
> Shifting POV
> 
> This is a work of fiction not meant to make implications about the persons mentioned.

Curt whizzed by the trees and bushes. You could almost see the vapor trail behind him as he ran. He was on a roll, and it felt so good to be stretching his legs again. TFF was nearing the end of their tour, just a couple of shows to go. Finding time to run while touring wasn't easy, and he was determined to make this one count. He was lost in his flight; his mind and body both soaring, his thoughts flying by like specks of dust and leaves in the wind. 

_Just a couple miles to go._

_Maybe I'll hit the patio after this._

_I'd better shower first._

_I'll bring Charlton along..._

_...And Ro, if he's up to it._

Curt slowed down to rest for a moment. He thought of Roland and felt a warmth in his chest. He thought of him smiling and laughing at him when he returned to the hotel all red and sweaty, poking fun at his "little hairy legs and shorts." Curt couldn't help but grin to himself; he was actually looking forward to bickering back and forth with Roland. He'd had enough time away from his friend over the last few months that he found himself missing him, not that he'd ever admit it to him, and wanting to spend some time catching up. Being able to enjoy some time in between flights now was great. Today was great. He just felt great overall. Curt sighed contently and set off again to finish his run.

\---------------------------

After getting back to the hotel, he took a quick shower and fired a couple of texts to his mates. Everyone'd had the same idea, and a party was underway. He got dressed and headed off to the outdoor patio to meet the lot. When he arrived, it was getting dark. He looked around a bit until he spotted Charlton, Jamie, and Doug waving him over to their table, and headed over. 

"Good run?" Charlton asked.

"An exceptional four miles," Curt replied. "I feel good as new."

"Great!" Jamie chimed in. "Now let's undo it all with beer!" He passed Curt a bottle.

The four of them proceeded to drink, joke around, and talk about the tour. 

"So, Oregon's next, huh? Been a while."

"Should be good fun."

"Yep, then it's just one more to go afterward."

"Honestly, it'll be nice to get back home and relax a while. The jet lag's really hit me hard this time."

After a while, Curt began to wonder where his partner in crime was. He glanced around eagerly in search of Roland until he finally spotted him standing alone by the railing. He was on the phone, smiling and laughing away. Who would he be talking to at a time like this? Curt watched him for a while, until Roland looked over and noticed him. He said a few more words to whoever was on the other end, then shut his phone and headed over to the table. Curt couldn't help but notice the delighted expression on his face.

"Sorry, guys," Roland said, pulling up a chair and plopping onto it. "I didn't mean to be so long."

"Oh, suure" Doug teased. "We get it! Meet someone new, and suddenly, nobody else exists."

The guys chuckled, and Roland looked down, blushing. Curt stared at him, confused. Was there something he'd missed? He looked at the others who were grinning at Roland and sipping their beers. Only Charlton seemed to notice Curt's confusion and concern.

"So Roland, Curt just finished an impressive four mile run around the city." He nodded toward the bass player.

Roland eyed Curt up and down, smirking.

"Of course he did. Sparky little roadrunner."

"I don't know how you do it, man," Jamie shook his head.

"Got to outrun the coyote somehow," Curt replied with a wink. He'd hoped Roland would play along to this, but the other man was staring into his wine glass again, that blissful look back on his face. Curt kept watching him, trying to read him more as the men chatted on. Who was on his mind? For a reason he couldn't pinpoint, he felt a tad glum. He wanted Roland to look at him again, to give him that smirk and tease him some more.

After some time, Roland stood up with his glass now emptied.

"Well, lads, I'd better turn in."

"So soon?" asked Curt.

"We're not all fit and full of energy like you," Roland replied wryly. "G'night, chaps!"

"G'night!"

"'Night, Roland!"

As Roland entered the building, Curt followed him.

"Wait, Ro."

"What?" He turned around to look at Curt.

"Want to grab dinner sometime soon? Perhaps when we're in Portland?"

A look of guilt came across Roland's face.

"Oh, uh... I actually already have plans for when we're there. Sorry. But we can find a time after that."

"Oh." Curt felt that glum feeling come back to him. "Okay. No problem. I'll hold you to it, though." He grinned.

"Alright. G'night." Roland smiled sheepishly and walked off.

"G'night..."

Curt went back to his seat, more curious and anxious now than ever.

"Hey, guys..." he spoke up amid his friends' laughter.

"What's up, roadrunner?" Doug replied.

"Earlier when you were talking about Roland meeting someone new... What did you mean, exactly?"

The men glanced at each other with puzzled expressions. Then Jamie spoke up.

"You mean he didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"Ro's got someone new he's seeing."

Curt felt himself tense up.

"What? A woman?"

"Nope," Jamie chuckled. "A man."

That was when his heart sank.

"Roland made him sound like a pretty nice fellow. Actually, he mentioned he lives in Oregon. Oh, and he works in music. Who would've thought, huh?"

The men laughed again, but Curt was no longer listening. His mind had receded into a noisy pit as it tried to process the information it'd been given. 

Roland was seeing someone. 

A man, to be precise. 

He had so many questions racing through his head.

_How?_

_When?_

_Who?_

_For the love of god, who?_

"Hey! Hey Curt!"

Curt felt his shoulder being shaken. He looked up to see Jamie and Doug grinning at him and Charlton looking concerned.

"I can see this is all still a newsflash to you. Maybe you should just ask Ro about it later." Jamie gave Curt a pat on the back, and with a chuckle, got up with Doug to get more drinks.

Charlton leaned in. "You okay?"

"I... Yes."

Charlton sighed and got up from his seat.

"Look, we should get some rest for tomorrow. Then we can talk about how clearly not okay you are."

"Alright."

\---------------------------

They made their way back to their rooms. When Curt got to his, he lay on the bed and simply stared up at the ceiling. Charlton was right; he should rest now. He'd have time to think about things during travel tomorrow. But as he lay still trying to sleep, what nagged at his mind the most was the one question he feared he already knew the answer to.

_Why is this bothering me so much?_


	2. Insurance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A good friend gives the advice that's hard to hear.

"So let me get this straight. You've loved Roland since you guys were in your twenties and you've never told him?"

Charlton and Curt were sitting alone in the airport café, a few hours before boarding time.

"It's more complicated than it sounds," Curt replied. 

"Is it, though?" Charlton stirred his cup, eyeing his friend skeptically.

"Yes! I mean, it's not like I could just come out with my feelings and everything would magically work out!"

"Why not?"

"We had too much going on! We were young and with our whole careers ahead of us. Then just like that, we became famous, and we were suddenly stuck working hours a day together. No free time, no space... And well, you know what all that lead to."

Charlton nodded.

"Did the split-up help?"

"I really thought it would, and I guess it did for a while. I thought I'd never have to see him or deal with those feelings again. But when we got back together, I could still sense them there. I was just never able to put them into focus."

"And so you just let them go?"  


"I more ignored them, really."

Charlton gave him an unconvinced frown.

"Somehow I can't see you just settling for that. That's too rough. I mean, look at you now. I rarely see you this worked up, so how did you not say anything for so long?"

Curt paused for a moment, swishing the coffee around in his cup as he thought to himself.

"Truth is... I guess I'd made up a kind of insurance about it in my head."

"Insurance?"

Curt sighed.

"Roland and I have been together for so long. We've known each other since we were kids. We grew up together, started a band, fought, drove each other nuts- still drive each other nuts, really. We know each other better than we know ourselves. So to me, we were already together in that sense. Already an item. Roland was already..." Curt winced as if the realization was finally, truly sinking in. "Already mine..."

Charlton stared at his friend sympathetically, not knowing what to say. He didn't need to wonder for long though, as Curt suddenly set his cup down on the table and stared him in the eyes, his own filled with frustration and pain.

"I wasn't expecting this, Charlton. I really wasn't. Maybe I'm a bloody fool, but I thought that that insurance was all I'd ever need." His voice was soft and defeated.

"Man...Curt...."

"I just never thought a time would come when I'd lose my chance. I mean, fuck! This is Roland we're talking about, isn't it? Yet look at how happy he looks, now! He's blushing, he's giggling, he's distracted! I never thought some random guy would come and sweep him off his feet!"  


Charlton shook his head.

"All of us were surprised, Curt. I think we'd all made the same assumption about him. But he does seem pretty happy. So what are you gonna do now?"

"God, I don't know. Keep pretending to  _not_  know? Yes, I think I'll do that. Roland couldn't be bothered to tell me about his special someone, anyway." Curt spat bitterly.

"Are you going to tell him how you feel?"

Curt sighed and put his head in his hands. 

"I don't know, okay? This wouldn't be the best time, methinks." 

"Bottling it up and making yourself miserable won't be good for you or Roland, either."

"I'm aware of that."

Charlton put his hand on his friend's shoulder. 

"Well whatever you do, keep this in mind: he might be some random guy to you, but to Roland, he isn't. I don't know when they met or how, but Roland seems to know him, and he really,  _really_  likes him."

"Well that's all hunky-dory," Curt hissed, and took the last sip of his coffee. "But  _I_  don't know him. I just know that he doesn't know Roland like I do. He never will." He stood up, threw the cup in the trash, and walked off.

\---------------------------  


After walking around a bit to cool himself off, Curt made his way back to the waiting area. As he walked, he thought about what Charlton had said- how bottling his feelings would hurt both him and Roland. He knew he was right; he could feel the anger and bitterness simmering within him like a stew. It wouldn't take much for it to boil over. It would probably show on his face; he would sulk, maybe even act out, and Roland would know something was wrong. But if he told him now, he risked something far worse: hurting the man he cared for and ruining his happiness. He would have to keep it inside, at least for now. 

In the meantime, he was anxious to know more about this guy in Roland's life, but he decided he wouldn't ask questions. Yes, he would keep playing dumb to Roland. He wanted Roland to tell him, himself.

He arrived where most of the band were sitting around and slumped into one of the chairs. His eyes once again found Roland, who was laid back in another seat sleeping, an open book resting on his chest. Curt watched him adoringly, all while his heart ached.

_Roland... Who is this lucky man who's won you over?_

_Is he good to you?_

_Does he respect you?_

_Does he know how to take care of you?_

_Because I just don't think I can trust any other man with you..._


	3. Noise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One needn't be loud to be clear.

Portland, Oregon was buzzing. Curt could hear the excited bustle of the audience from backstage. He took a swig of his Red Bull. His Sour Skittles were at the ready. His mind was in a state of focus. Despite the stress of the past couple of days, he still had music- the one part of him that he could pour his every emotion in; his pain, heart, and soul. 

It wouldn't be long now. The band hustled around getting ready for their entrance. Curt just stood for a while with his eyes closed as he waited, letting the voices and laughter of the band and crew flow through his ears.

                                             "My god, look at them out there."

                               "It never gets old, does it?"

                                               "Get the lights ready!"

                               "They look like a rowdy bunch, too."

                                               "All the better."

                                "So I hear Stephen's in the audience."

                                               "Lights are good to go whenever!"

                                "Really? Maybe we'll spot him."

                                                "Fog's ready whenever!"

"Hey, you."

A certain voice made Curt open his eyes. When he did, Roland was standing next to him, looking rather amused.

"Taking a quick nap?"

Curt closed his eyes again.

"I'm channeling my inner flamingo."

"Got it. The pink feathers are a nice look, by the way."

The two stood in silence as they waited. Curt didn't know what to say to Roland. He was still confused about him suddenly being in a relationship with a guy, especially since he hadn't actually been told about it by Roland at any point. There was still a lot of uncertainty and awkwardness adrift in the back of his mind, but there was no time for that now. He was just happy to have Roland by his side, and he did his best to contain his increasing excitement.

The lights in the auditorium dimmed.

The crowd began to scream.

They were up.

They walked out onto the stage before the sea of people.

_Time to rule the world._

\---------------------------

The show was a smash, and the audience was more euphoric than ever, reacting to every song with louder cheers and applause. Curt felt the adrenaline flowing through him. He enjoyed his running, but nothing made him feel quite so alive as performing. He smiled at the screaming fans and tossed his skittles to them. Charlton smiled and laughed at how they hysterically grabbed at the flying candy.

 _Everyone_  was enjoying and outdoing themselves with this performance. Charlton was killing it on the guitar and visibly having a blast. Jamie's drumming was on point, his beats pounding through every heart in the room. Doug hit every key on the board with perfection. As for Roland, he'd completely let loose; dancing around in that special Roland way, singing flawlessly, and frequently smiling at the audience.

It was during Head Over Heels when Curt noticed that Roland kept looking back to the same spot in the crowd and smiling. Who in the audience had his attention? Was someone filming? He then saw the blush on Roland's face and realized that it wasn't any regular smile; it was that smitten expression he'd seen so much of, recently. Suddenly, he could hear a voice from before the show ringing through his head.

"So I hear Stephen's in the audience."

Stephen. Roland's new main squeeze. That was his name, and he was here in this very room. 

Curt felt a strange wave of mixed emotions come over him; excitement, fear, curiosity, jealousy, mostly jealousy.  He tried to focus on his bass-playing, but his mind was now buzzing with a different kind of noise. He knew he had to catch a glimpse of this Stephen fellow. He looked to where Roland had directed his beautiful smile. The area in question was far on Roland's side of the stage.

 _Of course._ Curt thought to himself.

He began scanning that side of the crowd every chance he could, although he tried his best to not make it apparent to Roland or anyone else. It was no good- the people were too far away from him to see their faces clearly, and they were moving about too much. Curt became antsy. He needed to see this man for himself- needed to see what it was that Roland so fancied about him.

_Stephen, you bastard, where are you?_

Wherever Stephen was, he was definitely the reason for Roland's extra enthusiasm. Roland was putting on a show for his new lover; flicking his hair about, and swaying his hips to the music in a rhythmic, almost seductive motion. Curt gritted his teeth. Everyone else seemed fine with this- the band all looked happy for Roland, if not amused. Didn't they see how bizarre and ridiculous and wrong it was? Why was he the only one who felt this way?

Within minutes, Curt went from feeling fantastic to all alone in his turmoil. But as the outro of Head Over Heels came, and the song began to wind down, an idea popped into his head. After this song, they'd do the encore, and with it would come the chance for him to take the night back for himself, if only a little.

When the song finished, the band rushed off stage, grabbing quick drinks of water as they prepared to jump right back out there again. The crowd was clapping and screaming and crying for more. The band waited a bit longer; it was always more fun to make the fans beg for a while, and the anticipation was contagious. When they finally returned to the stage for the encore, the noise from the audience was almost deafening. They were going crazy, for they all knew it was time for the big hit. With those first few percussion notes struck, they dove into Shout.

It was a couple of minutes in and almost time for the bass solo. Curt was prepared. This was a special part for him in particular, because he and Roland often performed it side by side, and that's what he intended to do tonight. As the section approached, he turned toward Roland and stared him down with a knowing smile, as if to communicate what he was about to do. Roland grinned back at his partner, amused at this flirty stance. Curt could tell he found it a little sexy; he was good at getting him all worked up that way. As the synths played out, he strode up to his friend and stood by his side, angled slightly. Roland followed suit, posing next to his friend, and together they dropped into the solo.

The crowd went wild- they always did for these little displays of friendship. The two moved in unison, their bodies completely taken over by the music. Roland had his eyes closed in utter bliss. Curt slid slightly closer to him so that their elbows were barely brushing up against each other. He always loved being in this moment with Roland, just the two of them, submerged in the waves of sound. But this time, all he could think about was how he hoped that Stephen was watching it happen. He stared into the audience in front of him, drilling his eyes into every man he saw as he played the bass in an almost furious fashion. 

After they finished the solo, Curt strode back to his side of the stage, content and proud. Charlton was eyeing him questioningly, but he didn't care. He'd made his statement, tonight. There was a part of Roland Stephen could never have- the part that was intimately intertwined with Curt. 

 _No one can ever break that connection._  

He may have been grasping with these thoughts, but it was what he needed to tell himself in that moment, for he knew that tomorrow, Stephen  _would_  have Roland all to himself. 

When the song was over, Curt smiled and waved with the rest of the band as they made their final exit.  
The applause and cheering rung in his ears as he walked off. Curt smiled to himself.

_What a great show._


	4. The Small Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> should be savored.

Roland lay on the loveseat in his hotel room, letting his leg dangle off of the arm, lazily. He felt the breeze from the window tickle the exposed skin of his ankle. He was gazing into nothingness, thinking about all of the shows TFF had played. He could hear the cheers of the audience echoing through his mind, different crowds producing the same loud buzz. He always appreciated getting to enjoy quiet moments like these afterward, a chance to bask in the contrast of noise and silence. He continued staring off into space for a while, looking up only when the other man entered from the bathroom and stood before him.

Stephen placed a hand on his hip and gave him a pouty look.

"May I join you? Or is my airy Gemini aura too much for you?"

Roland grinned. He still wasn't sure what he liked so much about that pouty expression, save for the fact that it felt strangely familiar. It was also painfully  _cute,_ in such a way that he couldn't decide whether to grant mercy to the creature in front of him, or to tease him further. He brought his legs in and swung them so that he was sitting. 

"Ha! Think I'm afraid? You should know that air only makes fire stronger."

Stephen sat next to him.

"Don't be so sure," he whispered, cupping Roland's chin with his hand. "'Cause I might just blow you away." He gently pulled Roland's face close to his.

Roland ran his fingers through the other's hair as he kissed him. It was just long enough to be a little messy, but still short enough to have that cuteness that he liked. He then traced the shape of his face with his hand, stroking and feeling the sensation of the stubble on his chin. Stephen opened his eyes to look at him before pulling him in even deeper. They sat there for a while, taking each other in, breathing in the other's breaths as their lips met over and over again.

It felt good to Roland to finally be able to embrace this side of himself, to be open with his friends and family and let himself explore. Everyone knew by now, at least he was pretty sure, and now he had no reason to hold back. He had so much need, so much hunger, and he found himself now a victim to temptation, especially when he felt Stephen's tongue nudging at his lips, meekly requesting permission to go further. Still, a part of him felt that he didn't want to move too fast. He wanted to savor the smaller moments. He cared for Stephen and didn't want this to be an impulse of desire; he wanted it to be special and real.

He slowed down and took a second to catch his breath, staring into the other's hazel eyes, fondly. Stephen smiled, looking slightly embarrassed.

"Sorry if I was too eager."

"It's fine." Roland caressed his face reassuringly. "I want it too, I really do. It's just..."

"You don't need to explain yourself," Stephen said softly. He took Roland's hand into his and kissed it. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable. When you're ready, I'm ready."

"Thank you." Roland beamed at him.

With that, the other man sprung to his feet.

"So, shall we do dinner? I know a place you'll like, Mr. Astrologer."

\---------------------------

They arrived at The Observatory, much to Roland's amusement, and were promptly brought to the seats Stephen had reserved for them. The view from the window was magnificent, the night sky painted with stars and the Portland cityscape glowing beneath it. The two dined together, talking about music and family, all the while flirting, laughing, and occasionally touching hands. The atmosphere was perfect. Roland couldn't help but marvel in his mind at just how well the two of them got on. It was a perfect date. It always was.

It was after the meal, when they were talking about the Portland gig, that Stephen brought  _him_  up.

"So how about that Curt fellow, huh?"

Roland looked up, surprised.

"How about him?"

Stephen was looking down into his drink. 

"He seems like an interesting guy. Very intense."

"Intense?" Roland let out a chuckle.

"He certainly seemed that way at the show last night."

Roland thought for a moment.

"I suppose he can be rather intense in the right climate. He's pretty laid back most of the time, though."

Stephen looked up at Roland, an expression of concern now on his face.

"You two must be pretty close, huh? You guys looked really into it when you were working that solo together."

"Yeah. Well, that's just a side-effect of knowing each other for three decades." Roland smiled and took a sip of his wine.

"Still, it makes me wonder if I should be a little worried."

"Worried?"

"Yeah... Should I be?"

Roland stared blankly back at him for a second as the question sunk in.

"Wait, worried? About myself...and Curt?"

Stephen nodded.

Roland hadn't expected this. He and Curt had always been close. Curt knew him better than he knew himself, and the two of them shared a connection that was almost spiritual, beyond words. It'd never occurred to him that Stephen might feel threatened by their relationship. Of course, he couldn't exactly deny to himself that certain feelings had been there before, but that was in the past. Yes, they were buried now. He wasn't going to let Stephen be concerned with it.

"No, darling. Curt and I have been good mates for a long time, but that's all. You don't need to be worried." He put his hands on Stephen's and gave them a squeeze.

Stephen smiled, visibly relieved.

"Okay. Thanks. I just wanted to make sure."

"Of course. I understand."

After some time, Stephen looked at his watch.

"Hey, we'd better get you back, mister. You have a long day of travel tomorrow."

Stephen paid the bill, and the two headed back out into the night.

\---------------------------

They pulled up back to the hotel, and Stephen walked Roland to the front entrance.

"Are you sure you don't want to come in for a while?" Roland batted his eyes, playfully.

"Nah, it wouldn't be good. I mean, it would be good, but I'd just want to stay the whole night."

Roland smiled sadly.

"Okay. But you'll come to the airport tomorrow, won't you?"

"Of course!" Stephen smiled. "I'll be there to see you off and watch you fly away."

Stephen took Roland's face into his hands and kissed him softly.

"Goodnight, beautiful."

"G'night."

As Roland made his way to his room, he was lost in thought. He couldn't help but feel bothered about the conversation at the restaurant, although he couldn't pinpoint why.

_Curt and I... He was worried about Curt and I?_

_Should he be?_

_No. Don't be daft._

_Any chance of that is gone now, anyway._

_Curt doesn't feel that way about me, and even if he did, he knows I'm taken, right? Charlton must have told him._

_Wait, what if he didn't?_

_No, there's no way he doesn't know by now._

_Still, I guess I probably should've told him myself._

_Why didn't I? Why couldn't I bring myself to do it?_

_Ah, well. There's no use in worrying about it now._

_I've just had a splendid night._

_A lovely date_ _at a lovely restaurant_ _with a lovely guy..._

_Oh shit._

_Curt..._

_I owe you a dinner, don't I?_


	5. Angels and Roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot in the air...

It was a busy morning at the Portland International airport. People rushed about the terminal, some late for their flights, others frantically searching for their luggage. TFF didn't have much longer to wait for their flight to L.A. Curt was sitting near the boarding area with Charlton and the guys as they waited. Meanwhile, Roland was standing against the wall, repeatedly checking his phone.

"He looks a little anxious, doesn't he?" Doug whispered.

Jamie nodded.

"I think Stephen was supposed to meet him before take-off."

"What? And he hasn't shown?"

"Nope."

"Damn."

Curt looked up from his phone to gaze at Roland, who was looking rather downcast. Curt shook his head to himself; there wasn't much he could do to help, as much as he wanted to. Roland still hadn't even mentioned Stephen to him, and it would be too awkward to just go up and try to talk to him about it. He returned his attention to his own phone, where he was looking through a list of restaurants in L.A. Perhaps Roland would finally tell him about his relationship when they had dinner.

As Curt scrolled, he recognized the name of one restaurant: the Firefly. It was an exquisite place, and also incredibly romantic. What's more, they had a section specifically for couples. 

Suddenly, an idea came to him- one that would not only force Roland to spill the beans about Stephen, but would also allow himself to come clean about his own feelings. Even if it didn't work out in his favor, he'd at least be able to finally calm down the storm in his heart.

"Hey Roland," Charlton suddenly called out to the distraught man. "Come sit down."

Roland complied, moving to sit next to Charlton in a manner Curt could only describe as  _saturnine._ Charlton put his hand on Roland's back.

"It'll be alright. He probably got stuck in traffic."

Roland nodded somberly.

"Besides, you'll be seeing him again right after the tour ends, right? Cheer up."

Curt tensed upon hearing this, but kept staring at his phone, pretending he hadn't heard a thing. 

Suddenly, there came a soft vibration accompanied by a dinging noise. He turned and watched as Roland quickly opened his phone and checked the message he'd just received. Roland's face lit up with a smile, and he hopped to his feet excitedly.

"Guys, I'll be right back! I won't be long!" 

As he hurried off toward the terminal, the guys shared a chuckle.

"Look who's the roadrunner, now!" Jamie called after him.

Everyone laughed except Curt. He tried his best to look indifferent, but in his mind he felt a wave of panic. This could be his only chance. He needed to plan well, and he needed to plan fast. He opened the Firefly's website, and he made his selection:

_**RESERVE A TABLE** _

\---------------------------

  
Stephen waited eagerly at the terminal gate. He hadn't heard back from Roland, and was starting to fear he might be too late. It was then that he saw the curly haired man coming around the corner, struggling to navigate through the crowd of people. He let out a sigh of relief and smiled at Roland, who rushed up to him and threw his arms around him.

"Stephen... You made it."

"Man, I am so sorry. Traffic was worse than I expected it to be. I should've left earlier."

"It's alright," Roland breathed into his ear. "I'm just glad you're here now."

Stephen squeezed Roland tightly.

"I'm so glad I didn't miss you. I'm not gonna make you late, am I?"

"Nah," Roland replied. "We still have some time."

"Well, listen..." Stephen took Roland's hands into his. "The last couple of days have been amazing. Thank you so much for taking the time to see me during your tour, for letting me come see you perform, for everything!"

Roland placed a hand on the other man's face.

"No, thank  _you_. It was wonderful getting to spend my time here with you. And thanks again for the splendid dinner."

Stephen's face twisted in embarrassment.

"I'm, uh, sorry if I made things kind of awkward last night."

"Don't be. I'm glad you told me what was on your mind, and I had a lovely time, all the same."

"I'd like to give you more lovely times," Stephen said, gazing adoringly into Roland's eyes.

Roland beamed back at him.

"We can arrange that. Just one more show to go. I'll be in L.A for a little while after, but then I'll be free. I'll keep you updated, okay?"

"Alright. Have a safe trip."

Roland once again wrapped his arms around him and kissed him. They said their goodbyes, and he then made his way back to the boarding area, turning to wave bashfully.

Stephen smiled and waved back until his lover disappeared around the corner.

Just one more show to go. Then he'd get to see Roland again... Well, after he'd finished his business in L.A. 

L.A, the City of Angels, where stars lived. 

Where Curt lived.

Except he didn't need to worry about that. Roland had said so, himself.

Then why did he still have that feeling in the bottom of his gut?  
  
\---------------------------

The band had boarded their plane, and it was ready to take off at any moment. Curt sat back comfortably in his seat, earbuds already in. He knew he should probably rest a bit, but he was too excited. Soon, he'd be back in his home city, where he was most comfortable. He'd get to see his family, and he'd also finally get to take Roland out on his special dinner. He had a lot of thinking to do over the next few hours. He wondered about Roland, who was sitting a few seats directly ahead of him. Was he going to be alright this flight? Hopefully it wouldn't be too turbulent. 

As the plane finally started to move, Curt stared out the window at the Portland International. 

_Farewell, City of Roses. You certainly were an interesting crowd, this year._  
  
As they moved slowly past the airport, he noticed a figure watching from behind one of the large windows. It was a single, solitary man. Curt squinted to get a better look. The man began waving at someone on the plane- someone in one of the seats ahead of him.

_Wait..._

As his end of the plane caught up, the man in the window turned his head to look at him, surprised.

Their eyes locked. 

The plane kept moving, but they couldn't look away. 

They continued to stare as they each became a smaller and smaller image to the other, and then, they were gone.


	6. Surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love is boring without them...

Two days had passed since TFF's last gig of the tour. Curt spent the day after the show at home; heaven knows he needed the relaxation. It was nice to take a run along the canyon trails that he knew so well and refresh his mind and body. Now, a day after, he was getting dressed up, preparing for his dinner with Roland. He hadn't given the latter much detail about where they were going. He could've told him the name of the restaurant, but he had an irrational fear that Roland might look up the place and somehow catch wind of his plan.

As he straightened his jacket in the mirror, he was deep in thought, trying to play out the night ahead in his mind. His phone lit up with a new text from Charlton.

"Good luck tonight."

He hadn't given Charlton all the details, either; he merely told him he was taking Roland out to dinner and planning to tell him about his feelings. Now he felt his nerves dancing around in his stomach, a feeling he hadn't experienced in years. This would be it: the night of coming clean. He knew what needed to be done and said; he just hoped it would turn out as smooth as in his head. He got his stuff ready and set out to meet Roland.

\---------------------------

The sun was setting when the two met outside the restaurant. Roland grinned at Curt and eyed him up and down. He couldn't help but notice how handsome he looked in his dinner jacket.

"Well, you look dashing. And this is quite the fancy place, isn't it?"

Curt smiled and nodded.

"They have some fine wine, too. I think you'll rather like it."

"Ooh, sign me up."

The two entered the building, and Roland was immediately awestruck by the beautiful layout. He gazed up at the many hanging lanterns that dimly lit the room, and the small alcove-like rooms that lined the walls. Each contained its own table nestled within it, and gorgeous red curtains were tied up over the entrances. It was incredibly intimate. Curt took him by the arm and led him to where a young man was working behind a counter.

"Good evening," the employee greeted them warmly. "For two, tonight?"

"Hi, yes. I have a reservation for the lounge under 'Curt.'"

The young man began looking up the reservation on his computer. After a moment, he looked up at Roland and Curt, a look of uncertainty on his face.

"I have your reservation here, sir...but are you aware that the lounge is for couples only?"

Roland's eyes went wide.

"Oh, we're not-"

"Yes. We  _are_  a couple," Curt interrupted, with a smile. "This is my partner."

Roland shot Curt a look of both confusion and panic, but said nothing.

"Oh! My apologies!" The young man looked embarrassed. "In that case, please allow me to escort you two to your table."

"Thank you," Curt replied.

As they walked,  Roland's mind was racing. What was Curt thinking, reserving a table for them in a couple's lounge?

The young employee sat the two men down and informed them their server would be with them shortly. When he left, Roland leaned in toward Curt and whispered harshly.

"You told them we're a couple? You booked a _reservation_ as a couple?!"

"I just figured I'd have a little fun" Curt grinned.

"Oh, really? And what if someone recognizes us? Our cover will be blown!"

"Thrilling isn't it?"

"You're ridiculous," Roland huffed.

"Oh, come on. It's not a big deal," Curt replied. "We just have to act like a couple. That shouldn't be too hard, should it? I mean, look at us bickering. We already pull it off."

"I just wish you'd told me ahead of time."

"I'm sorry! I just thought it would be fun to surprise you. Do you at least like the place?"

"Well, yes. It's gorgeous..."

"Great! Let's have a good time, then...Dear."

A chirpy waitress arrived and took the men's drink orders. Curt requested a bottle of red wine for the two of them, and they then began looking through the menus.

Roland tried to convince himself to relax.

_Calm down. It's just a romantic dinner...with Curt._

The more he tried to feel normal in this situation, the more he couldn't wrap his head around it. 

Curt noticed Roland's nervousness immediately. Gazing silently over his menu, he watched as the other shifted nervously in his seat, hurriedly flipping through the pages of his own menu, not once looking up to make eye contact. The Roland he knew would've found this situation hilarious under normal circumstances. He would be laughing, joking, and playing along with the charade. His discomfort now was confirmation enough that this date was bothering him. Still, Curt needed to know. He needed to hear it from Roland, and he needed to know what chance he stood. He decided he shouldn't linger for too long. He should find a way to bring up the subject soon.

The waitress returned with the bottle of wine and took the men's dinner orders. Roland ordered a pasta dish, while Curt went for a steak. After the young woman left, the two were quiet for a while. Finally, Curt spoke up.

"So, that wasn't a bad tour, was it?"

"It was fantastic."

"The crowds were amazing."

"They always are."

They chatted some more as they waited for their food. After a while, Curt couldn't bare the gloomy atmosphere between them any longer.

"Are you alright? You seem anxious. Is something wrong?"

Roland looked at Curt and quickly down again before answering.

"No, I'm fine. I just have a lot on my mind, lately."

Curt eyed his partner inquisitively.

"Anything in particular?"

There was a pause as Roland continued to stare down, twiddling his thumbs. 

"Nah."

Curt reached over with one hand and gently placed it over Roland's.

"Roland...you're trembling... That doesn't feel like a 'nah.'"

Roland pulled his hand away, self-consciously. Curt let out an exaggerated huff, trying to keep the mood light.

"I didn't think I had to tell you this, but you can talk to me about things...even highly embarrassing things. I won't laugh. Well, maybe a little. It depends on what it is."

Roland grinned at his friend.

"I know I can. And I know you would. I'm alright, really."

"I know you know I know you better than that," Curt rebounded.

Just then, the waitress returned with the men's meals. 

"Here you go, gentlemen!" she said, cheerfully. "Can I get you anything else?"

"That's quite alright, darling" Curt smiled warmly at her.

Before leaving, the young lady turned around to face them once more.

"I just want to say that you two make such an  _adorable_  couple!"

The two men blushed.

"Thank you," Curt beamed.

Roland simply smiled and nodded at her. The waitress giggled and walked off.

The two made idle chitchat for a while, as they enjoyed their meal. Roland was impressed- the food was as excellent as the establishment. Curt watched him as he happily ate, and couldn't help but smile. At least his partner was enjoying himself, somewhat. Now was his chance to brighten the mood.

"Oh right, I almost forgot...I have something for you," Curt said, slipping his hand into his jacket. He pulled out a bright sunflower and presented it to his partner.

"For you, my dear."

Roland's eyes lit up, and he let out a chuckle as he took the flower.

"Oh, you. It's lovely, thank you." He stared at it, turning it around slowly in his fingers. But after a while, his smile began to fade. 

Admittedly, he was flattered that Curt had set this up for them. The amorous atmosphere was quite appealing. He would've enjoyed a romantic dinner with Curt had circumstances been different, but now it just felt awkward and out of place. He couldn't help but think about Stephen and how he'd worried about Curt. Why did it now feel like his worrying was justified? Why did he feel he was being unfaithful, somehow?

"Curt... This is all very nice, but I don't understand what it's for."

Curt felt his nerves starting to dance.

"Well, it's for you, Ro. I never get to just spend time with you, anymore. I wanted to treat you tonight because you mean a lot to me, and...I just wanted to show you that."

Roland sighed.

"You mean a lot to me, too. But this  _is_  a joke like you said, right? Just for fun?"

Curt's heart was now thumping in his chest. It was now or never.

"Well, maybe not."

"Come again?"

"Maybe it's not a joke, after all."

"I don't follow."

"I know it's funny, picturing us as a couple. We drive each other insane enough, as it is. But...what if it could be true?"

Roland was now looking straight at Curt, his eyes yearning for an explanation.

"I mean, why couldn't it?" Curt continued.

"Hang on," Roland interrupted. "Just what are you saying, exactly?"

"I'm saying that maybe I wanted to show you more than just a nice dinner tonight."

"What are you showing me, Curt??"

Curt took a deep breath.

"My feelings for you."

Now Roland's heart was pounding. Every word from Curt was sending chills down his body. His mind was foggy; nothing made sense. This couldn't be happening. Not now.

Curt was now looking deep into Roland's dark eyes, which glistened with an aching he couldn't describe. He reached out a trembling hand and brushed a strand of hair from his partner's face.

"I've waited far too long to show you."

"Curt..."

"The truth is, being apart from you has been harder and harder on me lately. We're getting older, and it's made me realize that I don't want to put aside my feelings any longer. You mean the world to me, Roland, and...and I'd like us to be able to come back here and not be pretending."

Roland's eyes were now misty, and his lip was quivering as he stared back into Curt's brown eyes.

"Why now??" he blurted out, his voice nearly cracking into a sob.

"Ro?"

"Curt, I...I can't. Not now."

"Why, Roland? Tell me."

"Because I'm seeing someone! Fuck!"

Curt let out a big sigh. Finally, it was out.

"So it's true, after all. About you and this Stephen bloke?"

Roland's eyes widened with anger and disbelief.

"You  _knew_?"

"I'd heard a thing or two." 

Roland was furious.

"I can't believe this! You knew, and you set this up!"

"Why should I take it seriously? I figured if something like that was true, you would've told me yourself, but I guess I was mistaken."

"Are you joking? Everyone else found out! I just figured you'd hear it from Charlton, or something!" Roland hissed.

Curt straightened his back.

"You really wouldn't tell me something as personal as that in person?"

Roland looked down at his plate, his fists balled up against his forehead.

"Roland, I'm sorry... It just really hurt me when I found out. To hear you talking about it with the others, but not even mentioning it to me... I just wanted to hear it from you. And...I guess I was still hoping it wouldn't be true, somehow."

"Oh, Curt..."

"Why didn't you tell me, Ro?"

"I don't know, okay? Look, I need a moment. I'll be right back." Roland stood up and headed for the restroom, leaving the sunflower on the table, and Curt with his head in his hands.

\---------------------------

In the restroom, Roland tried to calm himself. He splashed cool water on his face and did a few breathing exercises. Still, his mind was buzzing- with everything he'd just heard from Curt, but with his and Stephen's conversation back at The Observatory as well. 

_"Curt and I have been good mates for a long time, but that's all. You don't need to be worried."_

So much for that.

He tried his best to make sense of the emotions he was now feeling. He was very fond of Stephen; he cared for him deeply. Was it love? It could be. He didn't know yet. He'd been taking things slow for that reason. Stephen understood, and he was patient about things. Everything was going fine. 

And now this. 

He wasn't sure what, but Curt's confession had done something within him. It felt to Roland as if a beast that he'd slain long ago was now slowly awakening. Or was it somehow still alive all this time? Is that why he hadn't been able to tell Curt about Stephen?

Either way, he shouldn't get Curt's hopes up. He couldn't do this here and now, anyway. His head was a mess, not to mention it would be unfair to Stephen. He needed to be able to sort things out for himself. At least he felt a bit calmer, now. He tidied his hair in the mirror and sighed, then he headed back out to the dining lounge.

\---------------------------

When he returned to the table, he and Curt were silent for a moment.

"I ordered the bill," Curt finally said. "...Are you alright?" 

"Yeah, I guess," Roland answered. "I'm just not sure what to say."

"Well... What do you think?" Curt shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"What do you mean?"

"About you and I... Do you think you'd be up for giving us a try?"

"Curt, it's not that simple! I'm seeing Stephen. Do you realize what you're asking of me right now?"

"I do... Look, if you don't know what to say, then hear me out, please."

"Fine," Roland huffed.

"I think you deserve a man who knows how to take care of you, properly. One that knows you at your best and worst. And quite frankly, nobody fits that role better than I do."

"Well, aren't you sure of yourself!" Roland snickered.

Curt shot a grin back at him.

"You know it's true. Anyone else would lose their sanity trying to handle you."

"Hey!"

"But most importantly, no other man could be as devoted to you as I am. I'll always be there for you, Roland. Even with the distance between us, I'll make things work."

Curt took Roland's hand into his and caressed it, lovingly.

"I want to be that man, Ro... Your man."

Roland said nothing for a while. He just picked up the sunflower from the table and held it up close to his face, as if it might whisper the answer to all of his problems. Finally, he spoke.

"How long?..."

Curt sighed.

"Longer than I could ever justify."

"And you never once told me you felt this way..."

"I guess we're both bad at telling each other things."

Roland gazed at the flower a while longer, before finally looking up to meet Curt's eyes once more.

"I need time to think about things, okay?"

"Does that mean there's still a chance for us?"

"I...I can't answer that right now."

"...Alright."

\---------------------------

After Curt paid the bill, the two headed out the door, and they stood in the parking lot, beneath the glow of the restaurant's lights.

"Thank you for the dinner, Curt. It was lovely." Roland placed his hand on Curt's arm.

"Thank you for letting me have this date with you," Curt responded, somewhat crestfallen. "Keep in touch?"

"I will. I promise... Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

The two hugged, and then went their separate ways home.

\---------------------------

Stephen checked his watch. 11PM. It was just about time. His gum and headphones were at the ready. His cell was switched off. He wanted to clear his head for a while, anyway. He would arrive in L.A. for a little after midnight, and intended to sleep as soon as he checked in. He wouldn't contact Roland until the next day. 

After all, the best surprises are the least suspected ones. 

Popping on his headphones, he laid his head back against the seat and prepared for takeoff.


	7. Outreach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If you should fall into these open arms  
> You would be blessed not just with youth"

It was late afternoon in L.A. Curt and Charlton were sitting in Shabby Road, strumming away, when Curt told him about the previous night.

"I cannot believe you did that," Charlton said, setting his guitar down on the floor next to him.

"Looking back on it, I can't either," Curt responded, somberly. "It was really an impulse decision. I should've known it wouldn't turn out well."

"Well, at least you said what you needed to... You okay?"

Curt was staring down, one hand under his chin, the other drooped next to his bass.

"I don't know," he sighed. "I mean, I'm glad I told Ro how I felt. I tried to make him see how much I care for him. I really tried. But he seemed so...reluctant."

"Well, you did kind of put him on the spot, Curt. What were you expecting?"

"I'm not sure... I just hoped things would work out, somehow. I guess I expected too much."

"And what are you hoping for now?"

"Pfft. What does it matter? It's not like I have a chance, anyways."

"That's not what it sounds like. Roland said he needed to think things over, right?"

"Indeed. Famous last words..."

"I think you're accepting defeat too soon," Charlton said, reaching over and giving Curt's shoulder a shake. "At least wait until he gets back to you about it."

"And what if he doesn't?" Curt spat. "Charlton, I feel so lost. What if he just doesn't want to be with me? What the hell am I supposed to do? Sit back and watch that Stephen asshole have him? Watch them kiss, and hold hands? Is  _that_  what I have to look forward to?"

Charlton looked at his friend for a moment before answering.

"I don't have the answer, Curt. But I know that Roland cares for you, either way. He wouldn't forget about you. You mean too much to him. Also, you have me, and the others. We're your friends, and we'll be here for you no matter what happens."

\---------------------------

Roland wasn't sure, but he felt as if he was on his back. He couldn't believe his eyes. Before him was an endless, black ceiling of stars- at least that's what they looked like. Small specks of light flickering in dozens of colors, some of which he couldn't recognize. Was he in an observatory? A movie theater? Space itself? 

He felt coldness wafting over him; it made him shiver, but he couldn't bring his arms in to warm himself, for he had no control over them. All he could do was stare into the lights. Suddenly, something began to emerge from the dazzling spectacle. Something small and circular, smack dab in the middle of it all. It began growing, slowly. Roland squinted his eyes and tried to make out the object. 

It glowed- like a light, but different from those around it. It was a golden light, radiating a warmth, the likes of which Roland had never felt before. The golden, warm light grew and grew  and grew until finally, it stopped. Roland gasped- he was looking at a human face, centered perfectly within the starry canvas. But try as he might, he couldn't see its features; the glow obscured them, so that they were all a fuzzy blur. He began to squirm. He wanted so badly to see the face more clearly. He kept struggling to move, to do anything, and just like that, his right arm was functional again. He reached out to touch the face before him-

_*RIIIIIIIIIING*_

_*RIIIIIIIIIING*_

Roland opened his eyes and sat up on the sofa with a start. He glanced out his living room window. It was a tad dark outside, but there was still some light. His nap was evidently longer than he'd planned. It was 5 PM when he'd returned to his L.A. home and crashed on the couch, skipping dinner entirely. He had a lot on his mind, and his appetite wasn't the best, lately. Roland picked up his phone, which was no longer ringing, and opened it.

_Missed call from Stephen: 7:01 PM_

Roland sighed and dialed Stephen back. The latter answered after only one ring.

"Hello? You've reached Stephen," the man on the other line joked.

"Hi, Stephen," Roland chuckled.

"Roland! Hi! How are you?" He sounded oddly excited.

"I'm fine, thanks. Sorry I missed your call. I passed out on the sofa."

"Haha, oh, you. It's fine. I know you must still be really tired."

"Yeah, something like that," Roland replied, halfheartedly.

"I miss you, Roland."

"I miss you too, Stephen. I'll be seeing you soon, though. Not long now until I'm back in Portland."

"Actually, about that..." Stephen said, a peculiar tone in his voice. "Do you still have time to cancel your flight?"

"Er...yes, I suppose, if I wanted to... Why?"

"Well, you should do just that. Surprise! I'm here in L.A.!"

Roland was quiet for a moment. He almost couldn't register what he'd heard in his head.

"You are?"

"Yep! I flew over last night. I figured you already went out of your way to see me in Portland, so this time, I'd come to you! Are you surprised?"

Roland tried to hide the concern in his voice. 

"I... Yes, I am. Thank you. But Stephen, where are you?"

"At my hotel. I didn't want to impose myself on your house when I didn't even give you any notice. But I was thinking I could stop over for a visit sometime- you know, if you feel up for it," Stephen answered, coyly.

"Y-yeah, sure."

"Great! When's the soonest I can see you?"

Roland didn't want to answer. He felt so emotionally confused and exhausted, he just wanted some time to himself to think. And what if Curt found out that Stephen was here? Or worse, what if Stephen found out about Curt's confession? He couldn't bear the thought of the painful mess that might bring for everyone. But he didn't have much of a choice, now. The sooner he saw Stephen, the better.

"We...could probably do tomorrow some time?"

"Perfect! Want to start with lunch, then?"

"Sure."

"In that case, I'll see you at noon, my dear."

"See you then, darling."

When they hung up, Roland sat in silence for a while. He couldn't think; his mind was blank. Tired and overwhelmed, he headed for bed and climbed in to escape reality once more.

\---------------------------

Curt whisked past the bushes and rocks along the canyon trail, watching the golden glow of the sunset beginning to bathe the landscape before him. But he couldn't bring himself to enjoy the scenery, tonight. His mind was preoccupied with all his troubles the past week. Was Charlton right, this time? Should he keep believing?

_No, you've done all you can._

_There's no point in griping over it anymore._

_Why are you being so selfish?_

_Your friend is happy._

Still, he felt a small voice in his heart begging... _begging_ for  _something._  It cried out to the moon which now hovered overhead, becoming more and more defined as the sky darkened. Curt gazed up at its beauty. There it hung, just out of reach. He ran after it.

Images flashed through his head. Roland standing far apart from the crowd, talking on the phone. Him standing next to Roland during Shout. 

He ran. So close, but out of reach. 

Roland smiling into his phone screen, his face lost entirely in its light. Roland sitting on a plane, several seats ahead of him.

He kept running. Out of reach. 

Roland staring back at him from across the table, sunflower in his hand.

That look in his eyes... Curt knew.

He was out of reach.

He felt his eyes stinging as they filled with tears.

_He's happy..._

_Even if it's not with you..._

_You'll find a way to live with this._

_You'll find a way to move on..._

Just then, his shoe made impact with something hard; he didn't see what. He lost his footing. He gasped as his body lunged forward. Without time to process anything more, he hit the ground.


	8. Waves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Ties that are tested and tried  
> Like the crashing of the waves,  
> Will be lost in the tide."

Roland woke in the morning to another missed message. This time it was from Charlton.

_9:04 PM_

"Curt took a fall while running. He's at the hospital now getting patched up."

Roland felt a wave of panic. He immediately texted Charlton back.

"God, sorry. Just saw this. How is he?"

A couple of minutes later, Charlton replied.

"He's fine. We're at the studio now."

Roland sighed with relief. Curt was okay. Still, he had last night's uneasy feeling in his stomach. He felt he needed to go and see his friend, so he sent a quick text to Stephen and started getting dressed.

"Hi, darling. Can we please push the lunch back by an hour? Something's happened to Curt and I just want to check on him. I'm sorry."

Stephen replied minutes later.

"Hey you. Sure, no problem. Hope everything's OK."

Roland finished getting ready and headed out the door.

\---------------------------

When he arrived at the studio, the two men were already outside, talking near the entrance. Curt had a large bandage on the upper right side of his forehead. Roland got out of the car and rushed over to him.

"Curt, are you alright?" he asked, placing his hands on his shoulders.

"Good as ever," Curt smiled, halfheartedly.

"For fuck's sake, what happened?"

"Roadrunner hit a bump."

Roland eyed him up and down, observing the smaller bandages on his forearms.

"You scared the shit out of me... I'm sorry I didn't come around sooner. I slept like a log last night."

Curt sighed.

"I'm fine, Ro. Really. It's just a few scrapes. I went with the family and was in and out pretty quick."

"I didn't even have time to visit before they were done," Charlton added. "He's lucky it wasn't much worse."

Roland gazed at Curt, thoughtfully. His friend seemed...dejected. He leaned in and planted a kiss on his forehead.

"Be more careful, okay?"

"I will," Curt replied. "I'm gonna head home, now. See you guys later."

Curt got into his car and drove off.

For a moment, Roland and Charlton were silent. Then Charlton spoke.

"You look like you're in worse shape than him. Everything okay?"

Roland looked into Charlton's eyes, benevolent and knowing. Of course he would know about everything. Curt always confided in him, and rightfully so.

"I don't want to hurt him, Charlton."

"I know," Charlton responded softly.

"I just don't know what to do. I feel like I've hurt him already. You saw how down he was."

"He's just reflecting on things," Charlton replied. "I think you should take some time for yourself to do the same."

Roland sighed.

"But Charlton, Stephen... He's here in L.A. He arrived a couple nights ago. He didn't tell me he was coming. Curt can't find out. Stephen can't find out. Just...ugh!"

Charlton nodded.

"I won't tell Curt. It probably wouldn't do him any good, anyway."

"Thank you," Roland responded. He began to walk away, then turned around to face the other man again.

"You're a good friend, Charlton."

\---------------------------

From a distance, Stephen was sat in his own car where he had watched the scene unfold. Gripping the wheel, he felt his heart beating along with his rising anxiety. Roland kissed Curt. Even if it was just on the head, he clearly cared for him more than usual. It could be nothing, but...

He was mad at himself.

_Why are you here? You shouldn't have done this. But you did, and now you just feel worse._

What should he do? Ask Roland more about him and Curt? He didn't want to come across as desperate or jealous, but he couldn't deny the overwhelming worry he was now feeling.

He shook his head, then he started up his car and set off to get ready for lunch.

\---------------------------

Not long after, Roland and Stephen sat together in a sushi joint.

Roland picked at his meal. He tried not to look preoccupied, but his head ached with all of the emotional confusion he was in.

Stephen finally spoke up.

"Thanks for doing this so last minute. I should've let you know ahead of time I was flying here. I got excited and thought it'd be a good idea to surprise you. It probably wasn't," he chuckled.

"Nah, don't worry about it," Roland smiled. "If anything you saved me one more flight. It makes things...easier." 

Roland swallowed down the lie. Things certainly weren't easier; if anything, they were harder now. He needed to process his situation with Curt, and now he had Stephen to entertain. How was he supposed to think things over like this? Still, it wasn't Stephen's fault. None of this was. He just needed some time alone to seriously think it over.

"So...how is Curt?" Stephen asked, reluctantly.

"Oh. He's alright, just took a fall and scraped himself up. Sorry again for pushing lunch back. I just wanted to check up on him."

"It's fine. I understand completely."

It was silent for a while before Stephen piped up again.

"So, when are you heading back to the UK, anyway?"

"Well," Roland scratched his head. "I suppose soon, now that I needn't fly to Portland."

"Like, how soon?" Stephen asked.

"I dunno. Maybe in a couple of days?"

"Do you have more plans in L.A.?" Stephen pushed, trying not to sound suspicious.

"Not really... I, err, just want some free days before I head back home."

Roland fidgeted nervously. He wanted to have an answer for Curt before he left L.A., but he couldn't let Stephen know. He had to keep him from getting hurt by all of this, somehow.

"I see..." Stephen said softly, picking up a California roll with his chopsticks. "Well, I won't bother you for too long, then."

"Oh, no, I didn't mean it like that. I'm happy to have you here, really."

Stephen smiled and popped the roll into his mouth.

"It's fine. But before I go, would you care to have one last hotel visit?"

\---------------------------

That evening, back in his hotel room, Stephen stood pouring some wine for him and Roland. He tried his best to look smooth, but on the inside, his mind was racing, nervously.

First a kiss on the forehead, and now Roland was staying in L.A. a couple extra days. It might not mean anything, but it  _could_  mean something. Was he planning to spend time with Curt and didn't want to tell him? Was he more "close" with Curt than he admitted? Were the two secretly seeing each other? Was Roland lying to Stephen all this time? The anxiety was eating away at him, irrational thoughts coming one after another. He knew it wasn't right to just accuse Roland, and even asking might turn him off, since he had already done so. But he hated not knowing. He felt a desperate need for  _some_  form of confirmation.

Roland sat on the sofa, hands together and on his lap. Stephen handed him a glass of wine and sat next to him.

"To the City of Angels," Stephen smiled, and the two clinked their drinks before each taking a sip.

"This city is really something," Stephen spoke again. "It's a lot nicer than I thought, honestly."

"How so?" Roland asked.

"Well, for starters, the smog isn't as bad as I expected, especially for summer. And the people aren't quite as superficial as the media makes them out to be. And, well, I was actually able to find an affordable hotel, so it's not as ritzy either."

The two chuckled.

"Hey, Roland... I want you to know that you mean a lot to me. I really think we have something special, and sacred...you know, between the two of us."

"Ah...I..." Roland struggled to come up with something honest and heartfelt.

"Thank you, Stephen... I think you're special, too."

Stephen felt his heart sink a little - not the response he wanted. And now the worry was starting to build up again.

He got up and moved toward a pair of speakers in the room. He connected his phone and started sifting through his music until he found the perfect track: romantic jazz, softly filling the room. He then moved to the room's light switch and dimmed it.

"There," he said half to himself, half to his guest. He slowly walked back toward Roland and extended his hand.

"May I have this dance?"

Roland let out a gentle chuckle and reluctantly took Stephen's hand. The two began to dance hand-in-hand, slowly around the room. Roland smiled at the other man, trying to keep the mood casual, but Stephen was staring straight into his eyes. Soon, he felt his hands slide down onto his waist. Roland tensed up before complying with the gesture, awkwardly raising his own hands up to rest on Stephen's shoulders. They were now slow dancing, intimately and more closely than ever before. For both of them, time had almost stopped completely.

Stephen continued to stare into Roland's eyes, which seemed to be staring into another world. The wave of worry built up more. Was there nothing he could do to capture back his attention? Had he already lost the fight for his love? He couldn't stand not knowing. He needed to know. He needed to...

Roland was lost in thought. He thought how he should just relax a little. After all, he was currently dating this man. There's nothing wrong with having a nice slow dance with the man you're dating. That's what couples do. Why was it so uncomfortable for him?

He was now staring back into Stephen's eyes, those soft, hazel eyes. They looked strangely harder now - full of intent. Roland looked deeply into them.

_Is this the man I want to be with?_

"I want to be with you, Roland," Stephen's voice came out of nowhere, and sounded out of breath, desperate.

Roland's eyes widened slightly as he processed Stephen's words.

"You're everything I could ask for and more..." Stephen continued.

"Stephen, I..."

"I  _want you_."

Stephen pulled Roland into a sudden kiss that made the latter gasp. He held Roland's face with his hands and panted before pushing his tongue into his mouth.

Roland's grunts of protest were muffled and ignored. Stephen continued to kiss him passionately and began moving him hastily toward the bed. Roland felt frozen, completely out of control. For some reason, he couldn't bring his body to stop what was happening, and soon he felt himself get pushed onto his back on the bed. 

Stephen was soon on top of him. He kissed his neck aggressively, and pawed at the buttons on his shirt. Roland's chest was halfway exposed when he finally broke free of the spell and extended his arm to push the other man away.

"Stephen, no! Stop!"

Stephen recoiled, startled. Panting, he stared back at Roland, who had a look of both fear and anger on his face. Roland sat up quickly.

"What the bloody hell, Stephen?! What ever happened to 'when we're ready?!'"

Stephen looked down, still panting. His face became red and flushed.

"I'm...sorry, Roland. I thought maybe...you might be..."

"Well, I'm not!" Roland spat.

Tears started forming in Stephen's eyes.

"Roland, I...I just need to know..."

"Know what?" Roland replied. He felt bad seeing Stephen tear up, but he was still angry.

"I need to know... Do you really want to be with me? Or do you want to be with...him?"

Roland stared back at him for a moment in disbelief.

"Is that what this was about, Stephen?"

Stephen sighed. There was a long pause. Finally, he sat next to Roland.

"I mean, why else would you stay in L.A. longer than you need to? And why else would you kiss him on the forehead?...Yeah...I saw that..."

Roland said nothing.

"And well, honestly? I've seen how he looks at you. How he is with you. And who could blame him? I just got insecure and panicked, I guess. I'm so sorry, Roland. I didn't want to come across as jealous, but I can only imagine what you think of me, now."

"I don't know what I think, right now. I honestly need time to myself, Stephen."

Stephen started to sob, softly.

"Alright..."

Roland got up and walked out the door.


	9. Lucidity

It was a sunny afternoon. Curt strode around the house, music playing loudly as he finished mopping the floor. He was home alone for most of the day and took it upon himself to get some housecleaning done. It was a good way for him to think: something he'd been doing quite a bit over the last few days.

After he finished cleaning, he changed into some running shorts. He hummed to himself as he put his earbuds in, stopping for a moment to check the bandage on his head. It was still sealed nicely. The doctor had told him to take it easy for at least a week, but he felt fine enough. In fact, he'd had a strange sense of mental clarity ever since his accident.

Curt decided he was done moping and being defeated. Nothing good would come of it. After all, he knew the odds were against him - that Roland likely wouldn't choose him over Stephen. It would be rough for him, no doubt, but he would do his best to move on and be happy for his friend. But if, by some stroke of luck, he  _was_ chosen, he would make the absolute most of every moment, and he would never, ever take Roland for granted again. 

He tied up his running shoes. 

Whichever answer he received, he was ready for a new beginning, a clean slate.

He went outside, locking the door behind him, and set off on his run.

\---------------------------

_*Thwack!*_

Roland hit the ball with a sharp forehand. He was spending the afternoon at his favorite tennis court. Strange as it seemed, solo tennis was a good way for him to focus. For some reason, the thought of music right now just made him ache more. This was exactly the bodily activity he needed to figure out the mess in his mind. Whipping the ball against the wall, he sorted out the various thoughts floating around in his head.

* _Thwack!_ *

He wasn't sure how he felt about being with Stephen, now. Things certainly didn't feel the same after the incident a couple days ago. He couldn't exactly blame Stephen for being suspicious, but to go to the lengths he did... Spying on him and Curt, trying to make a move on him when he knew he wasn't ready... Was this who Stephen really was? Roland couldn't see himself being comfortable with someone that uptight.

_*Thwack!*_

That was one thought sorted. So what about Curt?

He'd fancied Curt long ago, when they two were still young. He wanted to tell him on many occasions, but they never seemed like a good time. He also wasn't sure how Curt would respond. It wasn't like he ever showed any signs of returning his affection, and Roland certainly never suspected he was hiding any feelings. So after the splitting of Tears, Roland swore to bury his for good. He needed to, for his own mental well-being. 

_*Thwack!*_

But hearing Curt's sudden confession had done something to him. He'd felt it recently, in the depths of his heart: a familiar stirring, fueled by the sparks of a possible second chance. But should he take that chance now? He tried to visualize what a relationship with Curt would look like, and the thought both exhilarated and terrified him. Their friendship was already complicated enough. Being together might make it awkward, but rejecting Curt definitely would. Should he break his friend's heart and damage their friendship? Or should he break Stephen's and make his fears justified? 

His thoughts were organized, now. He just needed to make the decision.

He finished off his session with a backhand.

_*Thwack!*_

He drove back through the L.A. hills, feeling relieved that his mind was at least clearer now. As he slowed down at the next stop sign, his eye was caught by the blur of a figure whizzing by. He glanced up to see Curt running across the road, bandage still on his head. It seemed roadrunner was already back at it, probably against doctor's orders. 

_Curt, I told you to be more careful..._

That was his partner, though; dedicated to his routine no matter what. He watched him and smiled. There was so much he admired about Curt. He was honest, he was comfortable with who he was, he knew what he wanted, and he wasn't afraid to tread his own path. His free spirit was what drew Roland to him most, and what made him fall in love with him all those years ago. But pride is a funny thing, and Roland could never quite bring himself to express his appreciation, at least not nearly enough. Maybe if he had been more honest with Curt, he wouldn't be in this mess now.

Curt thankfully hadn't noticed him. He continued sprinting up the path until he disappeared over the hill. A honk from the car behind him brought Roland back to reality. He waved to the driver in apology and proceeded to drive again.

After arriving back at his L.A. home, he prepared himself a cup of tea and slumped onto the dining room chair. Upon the table sat a vase holding the sunflower Curt had given him. Roland gazed at it, watching the remaining sunlight trickle in through the window and onto its bright, yellow petals. How amazing it was. The flower had been chopped from its roots, and had aged a bit, but was still so alive and beautiful. 

_I love a sunflower. And I believe in love power..._

He couldn't deny himself any longer. He knew when his heart wanted something. There was only one thing he didn't know. Had his feelings been rekindled? Or had they never truly died?


End file.
